Health, Wealth, and ...Happiness? A ramble.

I feel like a lot of things I've been given..

A lot of things I took for granted..

My hands.

My health.

The ability to stand without feeling faint, without pain.

Being able to make plans and not look like a flake..

Being able to do things spontaneously..

Those things I once had have been taken away.

I've been tasked with this quest of having to find my way and forge a new path different than the only path I've ever known ever since I was 19. That's a long time. 15 years of standing, bending over, messing up my neck, carrying other people's burdens, celebrating others lives, traveling the world with designers..

..It's definitely been an amazing ride. 

I miss being able to travel without getting sick.

I miss being able to do hair for 10 hours and only be tired mentally but my heart full, grateful and accomplished.

I miss being able to make quick decisions without having to think about how that might negatively impact me later.

I'm just going to say it - 

I feel robbed. 

My spirit is on fire. It yearns.

But it's frustrated.

So fucking frustrated. 

I know I need to change my mindset and instead of thinking my body is against me, it's trying to tell me something. That I need to work with it. But to me it's like trying to figure out whats wrong with a baby. Or  a pet. You speak different languages, and a lot of times you feel so, so lost. Because you both are trying to communicate with each other, but it fails because you can't understand one another. You try and try and try and try. It never feels like it's enough. You never get through to eachother.

Last year I had so many medical problems and revelations, I lost 3 months of work, I was definitely tested. But I fought back. I said, "Fine, I'll pivot! Now get off my back!"

But this year I've been to urgent care once a month, tried 2 different biologics, and the phlebotomists know me by name. I've gotta send them flowers or something. I know my medical campus by heart. How is this my life? How did this become my normal? Surrendering to just let it be is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. And I know I still haven't successfully done it. I know a lot of the lesson here is relinquishing control. But what I would give to not have this lingering thought behind everything I do. 

I've been told I'm depressed. I don't think so. Im enervated. I'm grieving. I'm restricted. I'm angsty. I'm unsettled. I think I'm allowed to have all of these feelings and I need to process them and it's healthy to do so. There's this rebirth happening. And I'm sorry to anyone who has to experience the shit end of it. But know I love you, and I appreciate you.

I'm just so annoyed that I've done so much work on myself, I've had the shit end of the stick in my upbringing. I've held a lot in, but I've healed a lot, too. I don't deserve this. I deserve ease. I deserve to enjoy my 30's. I mean, 30's! Like, are you kidding me?! 30! Isn't this the time where you're supposed to be reveling in your life?

..Well I guess that's counterproductive, isn't it?

We're not supposed to compare.

My life is still pretty great. I think that's why it's so important to acknowledge at least 3 things everyday that you're grateful for. Because otherwise you get in this whirlwind, this cesspool of unhealthy, comparative thoughts.

My wife.

My pups.

Palm Springs.

Top three right there. Keeps me going. 

I just don't want anymore of my joys to be taken away. I'm so nervous that what I'm preparing for just won't be enough. I'm nervous that the list of what I can't do is just going to get bigger. Although I know it's perception, right? As the list of things I can't do gets larger, so can the list of things I can do. I know that.

But today..

..I want to bitch about it.

Because it isn't fair.

Life isn't fair, I guess.

Is that the beauty of it?

I know, I know.

It depends on how you look at it.