How To Have a Successful Long Term Queer Marriage

FROM A QUEER WHO CELEBRATES 15 YEARS
& MARRIED AT 21

So, on July 1st my wife and I will be coming into a solid 15 whole years together. It’s hard to wrap my head around quite honestly, because it’s half my life. I’m only 33 years old. We met when I was dating my ex - someone who just wasn’t right for me in the slightest, and very toxic. 

To give you an idea of the head space I was in and type of surroundings, I never liked my ex's  friends because they all were very passive aggressive and judgy towards me. I mean, she was 25 and I was 17 but they never questioned my ex saying, ‘why are you with this 17 year old?’ Instead it was always directed toward me as,

“You’re too young to hang with us. You don’t know shit. What are you even doing here?”

It was a minor annoyance on top of mine and my exes non-monogamous, but not completely polyamorous, “open relationship” without boundaries, or perhaps in hindsight boundaries that only applied to me. So that’s where the major toxicity came in.

So now you get the gist. My ex and I were going to a house party at her friend’s house. I dreaded going but I had actually just gotten into a fight with my best friend who I practically lived with, and going home wasn’t an option because my mom and I weren’t getting along, so that seemed to be the better option of the three. 

We walked through the door, I quickly scanned the small living room to see what asshole I had to deal with and then that’s when I saw it. I’ll always remember it as feeling like I got punched in the stomach, like a thousand lightning bolts went through my veins, like someone had put a distortion filter on the background. It was only her looking right at me.

Our eyes met, her eyes were this intuitive blue; deep like the ocean. I knew those eyes were full of things that I wanted to discover. She had this small smile, almost like a smirk but not “bro-ish” in any way. Her face was stoic, but sincere. I knew that she was genuine. I knew I needed to know more about her. 

I know I stared at her too much that night. It was either her or my phone because I eventually got a friend to pick me up so I could escape. But I knew that I had to see her again. At the time I would tell you that it wasn’t love at first sight, it was infatuation. So I hung out with those shitty friends of my exes as much as I could after that and to my exes dismay, I always asked, 

“Will T be there?” 

Eventually my ex caught on. They started saying manipulative microaggressions like, ‘You know you’re not her type, right?’ It got to me, so we broke up. I, myself battered and bruised mentally and emotionally from my exes push and pull. So by the time I was 18, my ex was long gone and I was back to my old ways of one night stands and non committals. I never kept a girlfriend longer than a month and a lot of times was seeing multiple queer women at once.

But then I saw her again - there she was at the grand stage at Denver pride, she was sitting on some grass drinking a beer, wearing a sleeveless shirt that was loose but always settled in all the right places. She always looked so good in that dirty baseball cap. I went up to her and hugged her, not really thinking. We flirted a little bit and old G would’ve smacked one on her real fast but I couldn’t help but hear my ex’s voice saying, ‘You’re not for her, you're not what she wants, don’t make a fool of yourself.’ I wanted to kiss her so bad but I didn’t. 

Fast forward another month and my beat up Suzuki Sidekick broke down. I paid $300 for that thing all by myself, and it was definitely a junker. I’m pretty sure it had been in a flood at one time. I was so broke, I just put in a down payment for a security deposit on an apartment and was moving in a few weeks. I was working part time as a security officer in a nearby city, but the Suzuki ate the gas like nobody’s business. There I was on the side of the highway, the thing was smoking. I had an uncle in the auto business that could’ve helped me easily, but I didn’t call him. I remember one time when T had mentioned she used to be a diesel mechanic, which I found insanely hot. Picturing her all dirty in a tank… You get the idea. So of course I called T. And she came to my rescue right away. 

I remember when we got to my mom’s house I lied and said I was interested in being a mechanic just so I could watch her work without seeming like a weirdo. She drove an old Ford truck at the time so I previously had bought a Ford hat just to impress her (later I found that she actually hates Fords, she’s a Chevy girl, through and through. That Ford was just a temporary replacement). Just like everytime we were together, we flirted. We laughed. It was all so natural. I went in to kiss her, but she had her head back, like she was super nervous. Then that negative talk chimed in again and I backed away. I remember her asking for my ID to make sure I was at least 18, I was. I realized I never really knew her age and found out she was 25. I thanked her for her help, hugged, and then she left.

But I couldn’t let the momentum die so I texted her to meet up at her house a couple days later. She lived in the basement apartment of that first house party that I met her at. We watched a movie because she didn’t have cable and sat closer than we ever did before. And that’s when it finally happened.

We kissed. Finally.

Fireworks. Stomach punch. Butterflies everywhere. And then of course like any good early 2000’s identifying lesbian, we U-Hauled a few months later. Funny thing is that I told her I loved her first. I didn’t mean to, it just popped out. It may have felt like infatuation at the beginning because I didn’t think I was capable of love. I didn’t think lasting relationships were for me. I thought I was too nomadic like my dad - he was never good at monogamy. Right before we finally got together, I was doing testing to go into the Navy to be a data analyst on a ship because I’m good with numbers, this was supposed to just be a summer thing. But, no. She took me by surprise. I chased her because she felt like home. I chased her because I found stability, ease, and solace with her - something I’ve never had with anyone else, or really my whole life for that matter. 

With her, I’m safe. 

Which is especially important 15 years later and finally finding some answers with my health. I’m lucky enough to have found my person that can really be my counterpart, know what I need before I need it, be my rock and my lighthouse all at once. And I try my damnedest to be that for her. But the important thing to take away is to make sure if you’re in a partnership, that that partnership allows you both to grow individually and be nurtured when needed and develop new skills and work on your traumas and past experiences by yourself, but with an unwavering support by your side. If you have a partnership, make sure you have that. 

So here we are. 15 phenomenal years. When I look back I feel like it’s no time and so much time all at once. Like the two of us have been able to navigate lifetimes and changes, together. We started in a basement apartment. Then we found a house to rent. I started doing hair and T got a job in a different city so we moved again. We tried to have a baby and failed, but were actually super happy about it (aka heteronormative values ingrained in our brains). We bought our first house there, a quaint 3 bedroom farmhouse on half an acre of land with well water. We bought a commercial building because my barber shop was booming. Then we bought a bigger house in the city. And finally, we sold everything to move into a 600 square foot tiny house in Palm Springs, and later opened up a new studio and bought a bigger house. Within that time we’ve rescued at least 20+ animals together and currently have 4 dogs and a cat, all rescues. All with our own traumas, all with our own shit, navigating together. We fucking did the things. 

I think it’s funny how queer people nowadays are so astrological. I’ve never really caught on. But what I do know is that I’m an Aries and she’s a Pisces. Apparently, we aren’t supposed to work. But I think it’s yin and yang, baby. We may be opposites, and I can’t speak for T’s view on her adventure of life with me, but my take is this: 

Life with T has taught me something so invaluable: that you learn more and can navigate life better when you are able to align yourself with someone who is your opposite. Someone who doesn’t like everything you like. The give and take looks different to that of a toxic relationship, and instead it looks like unconditional love, that you love and cherish what your partner loves and cherishes because it makes them happy. You’re still putting yourself first, but you’re able to see an enchanting view of the world through someone else’s eyes, some else’s experiences, not just your own bubble. 

I’m so grateful, especially now, that I have a soulmate who truly can aid and support me without resentment while I’m going through these life changes. If I say I need something, she says, ‘How can I support you’. No ego, just love. It’s because of our solid foundation built on trust and communication that we are able to stand here strong, at 15 years, with all of what life has thrown us, and say, 

“Damn, we’re doing it. Look at us go.”